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John-117
Dildo]] The Master Chief is the the last horseman of the Apocalypse, but he doesn't ride a horse, he drives a warthog. Also known as Death and Green Mean Fighting Machine '''or simply '''The pig. He is the guy who saves the Earth, kicks some alien ass, chews bubble gum and sleeps with Chewbacca your mom. He's also the harbinger of doom for all that refuse to acknowledge his badassery. He was on trial for war-crimes against the Covenant people, including multiple counts of genocide, conspiracy against the Great Journey, ass-kicking without a permit, killing 6,340 human enforcement officers who tried to bust him for ass-kicking without a permit, and for stealing diesel fuel when he got thristy during the Noobs vs ETs. Given that his face has never been seen, there's been a lot of speculation on who the Chief actually is. Current evidence seems to point to one of five mythical beings: Zeus, The Grim Reaper, Liam Neeson, Bruce Lee, or Mr. T. Some believe that he may be some sick yet awesome amalgamation of all five, but scientists agree that this is impossible, as the world would end under the sheer weight of Awesome. Also, that much awesome would weigh a crapload more than a half ton. Childhood Born on Earth, and raised by Liam Neeson and Mr. T, John had a very traumatic upbringing in "da hood." He attempted numerous times to run away from home for a variety of reasons, some of them including severe beatings, being force-fed cases of beer and motor oil, and cleaning Mr. T's toilet, which is the only reason for suicide that God will gladly forgive. John fought the urge to headbutt a landmine however, and lived on. At 3 years old, he took Mr. T and Liam Neeson's shit for the last time, when Norris told the kid to give him a foot massage. Over the three years he was alive, John had already lived through enough to increase his level to 17, a feat only achieved by the most skilled High Mages and Battlelords. The future Chief attack Mr. T while he was on the toilet, drowning him in his own feces. After assuring that Mr. T would never get laid in the afterlife thanks to his shit-breath, Liam Neeson tore the door (and the surrounding wall) away to find his comrade dead. In a rage, Liam Neeson exploded into his ascended form, and engaged in combat with the deadly toddler - that turned out to be 40 Albanian men. The fight lasted for days, and John knew he couldn't last much longer, having already attempted to kill Norris with the n00b combo and BXR and failed. Norris's Helicopter-Pistol-Shot and roundhouse kick were too powerful. As Walker Texas Ranger charged his most powerful attack, the Triple-Roundhouse-Fist-Foot-84-hit-combo, John took off Mr. T's mohawk and Chains of Insurmountable Weight, putting them on himself. The power he gained equaled that of a small sun, and at that moment Walker unleashed his Ultimate Technique. John, however, had become too powerful, and easily defeated Walker by glaring him down. He had, for a little while, experienced a power the world didn't know existed: a power greater than Liam Neeson. The Chains were destroyed in the ensuing blast, but the Mohawk survived. From Liam Neeson, John took the Beard Fist, trying to further increase his abilities, but the Beard Fist desintegrated as he touched it, because the only thing that can take Liam Neeson's beard off is Liam Neeson. The Mohawk remained, and in time fused with John, permanently increasing his powers by 1000 fold. He would live in a peaceful but unfunny family headed by Ben Stiller until the UNSC found him three years later. Acheivements From Ages 3 to 6 *Anally violated a Brute with his own Gravity Hammer. * Waged battle against the Prophet of Haters. The Covenant suffered several tens of thousands of casualties. Reported that he fought the final battle naked so that he may more effectively T-bag the Prophet of Haters after victory. * Became the only child to become a General in history, leading several succesful campaigns against the Covenant. Renouned for personally leading charges and single-handedly taking down a platoon of Elites bare-handed, suffering no injury. * Revived MC Hammer just to kill him again and take his name. He would be called this or John until he acheived Master Chief status. * Flipped an Elephant using just his Dick. * Skyjacked a banshee. From underwater. * Started the insurrection. * Defeated the insurrection. * Built the first MAC gun using only tinker toys and the bone fragments of a ghost which he killed using only his willpower. * Won the lottery and donated all the money to terrorism. * Replaced his own nipples with a skittles and Dr. pepper dispenser. * Produced the Transformers movie. * Nearly fell out after asking Miranda Keyes to tickle him (she tickled him for a whole day). * Disassembled an assault rifle, blindfolded, nohanded, and faced backwards. In 30 seconds. * Drank a Big Gulp filled with Gruntiness, this further enhanced his Mohawk powers. *Lost his virginity. Thrice. and that wasn't even in BED *Castrated 20 hunters * Ate a whole grunt in 25 seconds. *Personally laid the Yellow Brick Road. *Invented the gruntburger. *Bashed Prophet of Ignorance on the head repeatedly. This technique would be used to take down another prophet as Master Chief later in his life. *Built his own Smart AI, naming it Keanu Reeves. This AI gave him access to the Matrix and lots of guns. Augmentation and His True Beginning. Which is Badass At age six, the UNSC were searching the entire galaxy for a child that rewrote the definition of awesome. They arrived at the Kindergarten of Annihilation and met Master Chief, who had already created a primitive battle armor made out of his parents car that he had melted down with the stove and built with his bare hands with the help of Keanu Reeves. Catherine Halsey arrived at the conclusion that he was ALMOST awesome enough, but Captain Keyes halted her exit, telling her to have patience and observe. It wasn't until they discovered that the kindergarden's clan leader, Satan, was chief's personal "Pimp Daddy's Bitch" and that he had singlehandedly pitted half of the school to fight the other half to the death for the honor of sucking his balls that they decided that they had stumbled upon the next Messiah of Death. After watching several kids die and or commit suicide trying to beat him in king of the hill, they tried to spare the others by luring him away with a coin-flipping game. He was not amused. Using the quarter as a projectile, another child was caught in the crossfire of his rage. It's said that The Chief's sexual frustration in the future is so great, that it actully causing him to be awesome, but perpetually infuriated. Getting him to agree to becoming a part of Project Badass proved to be easy. The Chief was disgusted at the lack of skill the other 4, 5, and 6-year olds displayed, and desired more "evil, egomanical, and/or skilled opponents to destroy." John was sent to the Facility of Cultivating Badassery where he would be trained to become the Master Chief. The scientists were surprised to find that they had nothing they could teach about being a badass that he didn't already know. Instead, he became the lead instructor, and taught other children the Way of the Ass of Badness. Any child that couldn't meet his brutal regimen was executed by John himself, supposedly for "taking a shit on the idea of badass by being a complete pussy." The doctors chided him for his harsh language. They too were slaughtered. It wasn't long before John started shooting the legendary steroid Exedrin Migraine, which began to increase his power over time. The science men understood that this was the only way to prepare the children for the final test. The remaining subjects were strapped down and shot with several hundred thousand grams of Exedrin Migraine. The strain was more massive than the pain of holding in a shit for several weeks. Some died during the process, while others became handicapped. John nearly killed them as well, for their weakness, but Halsey convinced him that they were smart enough to have desk jobs. The remaining children that adapted to the program were now Level 20 BadAsses, each of them with their own unique specialties. After the procedure, John noticed that he was so fast, time seemed to be slower around him. He tested this theory on some Spec. Ops. soldiers in a boxing ring. He immediately decapitated the first guy before he had time to react, and ripped another man's testicles completely free of his body. The other two attacked him in self-defence but John just stared at them. Their eyes rolled back, their mouths foamed, and they immediately died, shitting their pants as they hit the ground. The UNSC saw that he was becoming too powerful. He had to be dealt ith. They sent Jesus to kill him, but the two became friends by accident after they both heard the song "One is a Lonely Number." When the Covenant attacked, the UNSC realized they would get pwned and excessively t-bagged like noobs, and pulled John out of his psychiatric ward. Giving him a rifle, and a Snickers bar in case he got hungry, they unleashed him against the xenophobic aliens. Though he slaughtered billions, often without using a gun, he realized that he didn't look awesome enough. He needed a nuclear power-suit that would improve his Badassery as high as level 35. He immediately set to forging one using the Bolt of Zeus and the Mjornir Hammer with the metal mined from the sixth level of hell itself, which he personally landed in to gain, mining rocks with his own fists, and smelting them with rage. Wearing it for the first time, he had an epiphany, realizing that he was the reincarnation of Death, the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse. The other Spartans agreed to follow him in battle (mainly because the Chief told them what he wanted to do to those who refused to follow him) against anyone and everything that refused to bow down before him, becoming the Imperial Stormtroopers of the Master Chief. Halo Chased down by the Covenant for his war-crimes, he abandoned his followers to their fate, stowing away on a random ship. When it arrived at Halo, John descended as a fiery angel to the ring-world, slaughtering billions more Grunts and leaving a fiery trail in his wake. Jesus followed him, and the two actually teamed up together to take over Halo, creating a monarchy with a loose caste system. As King Chief, his laws were flawless and subjects completely loyal. He instated no military presense, because his presense was more than enough to suffice. Things were peaceful for three whole days until Anti Chief arrived with a small covenant fleet to raise a chicken coup. The chicken coup was a collosal failure, given that Anti Chief was already no match for Master Chief, since the antithesis of badass is a pants-pissing pansy. Anti Chief's trump card was releasing an outbreak of AIDS. Master Chief was unfazed, and unflichingly destroyed AIDS with a shotgun. The future Arbiter tried and failed to stop Master Chief during the final go-kart chase, when Chief fired a banana peel behind him out of Turn 5. Master Chief used his witchcraft powers that he learned from Megatron and turned a grenade to the size of a zepplin and stuffed it in the Pillar's ass. He left on a ship with Cortana, Jesus was presumed killed in the ensuing blast, Anti Chief and his covenant heretics were shot into the sun, and the gates to Oblivion were sealed. Delta Halo John's holy crusade against the Covenant led him back to Earth, where he proceeded to fuck bitches and get money. They fled before his wrath, but not before Jesus turned up, trying to stop John's slaughter of innocent Marines during a Killing Frenzy. John followed the Covenant through space and time to Delta Hula Hoop, executing the Prophet of Regret for being an infidel with a technique he used long ago against the Prophet of Ignorance, called Repeated Face Mashing by Fist. He was thrown into the sea after his punches caused the Prophets head to explode with the force of several nuclear warheads, and had a nice swim before being kidnapped by a Bacterial Infection. He met with the Arbiter, and were talked at by Bacterial Infection before being teleported elsewhere. Defying all logic, John was sent to Chinatown, while Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich was sent back to Delta Halo to prevent the end of all pornography. Jesus teamed up with Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich to stop Tartar Sauce from eliminating all other sauces from the universe. Master Chief, angered by the lack of attractive women in Chinatown, proceeded to commit genocide on a level never before witnessed by the universe. Since he couldn't save the universe, he decided to assassinate Mao Zedong instead. Mao escaped using The Unholy Enchanted Robo-Michael Jackson of Destiny, which Master Chief wasted no time jumping on, leaving Cortana behind to die for refusing his advances. The Ark The ship's crew, after playing a prolonged and bloody game of hide-and-die, eventually kicked John off, and he descended to Earth leaving a fiery wake, crashing in some jungles. Johnson rescued him, but then the Arbiter turned up. They relieved their aggressions on each other, engaging in a titanic dual, then agreed to kill the Covenant first. They fought many Covenant forces and even some AIDS before arriving at the Hula Hoop Maker, leaving a bloody trail of corpses behind them. Instead of doing the sensible thing, and trap the Flood until they could destroy it for good, they blew up a new Hula Hoop, killed some allied dudes, and fled like the little coward beavers they were. Also, they are spaz's. Blame Justin Bieber for it, he is a motherfucking terrorist. Aftermath After Chief destroyed the Bark Bark, he didn't know what to do, because there were nothing to kill. He thought of killing all the Xenomorphs, but his smartness made him not do it. After going through his closet, he found his old army men set and played with Arbiter with them. Master Chief was the Green Nation, and the Arbiter was the Tan Republic, and Cortana was the Blue French People. After 3 long days straight of killing eachother's Army men, it was very fun, but not fun enough. So Master Chief used his Chiefy Ways to make the Team Fortress 2 Engineers make a zapping ray that would turn you into an Army Man. After it was done Master Chief stepped in and became a green minature verison of himself. Then he went on a Tan Nazi killing spree. After that he got bored of killing Nazis, and wanted to kill AIDS instead. ﻿ Interaction with the Prophet of Haters When Master Chief boarded High Charity with the AIDS, he found the prophet's inner sanctum. There he stole a sword from a dying elite and flipped him the bird as he died. He continued into one of the Prophet's rooms. There he saw the back of a gravity throne. It slowly turned and he saw the Prophet of Haters sitting in it, Haters said, "so John, let this be our ultimate battle." Master Chief pulled out his Energy Sword as the Prophet of Haters shot a brute in the head and stole his Gravity Hammer. They battled for five minutes. Even though he was clearly superior, Master Chief was surprised at the amount of SWAG eminating from the Prophet's body; this was turning out to be a tough battle. Then, right as Master Chief was about to finish the battle, a storm of AIDS came in. The Chief decided he had better things to do.. like killing the entire covenant.. and ditched Haters to deal with the aids. That was the last time they ever saw each other but the Prophet of Haters is still looking for a rematch... War Crimes The Master Chief has slaughtered billions upon billions of Covenant,142638590382910283028 percent of them Grunts, and committed countless atrocities in his genocidal quest to conquer the universe. True, most of the deaths were Grunts, and there's about a billion of them, but That's Beside The Point. In Absentia, he is under trial by the Grunt people for war crimes, and the likely sentence is death. Emissaries from Earth argue that, well, it was a war, and technically the Grunts were the Bad Guys. The Grunts argue that That's Beside The Point. However, due to the fact that it was because countless billions of people died to the Covenant, and that he was only defending Humanity, and himself, the Covenant shall be destroyed. The Prophets also argue that his actions led to the infection of millions of their number, and their extinction. He also killed a Brute because he lost a turkey fight and didn't want to pay up. Chief says that he did not commit this crime, but evidance at the crime-scene show the initials "MC" etched on the Power-Ranger suited Brute's armor. The brute was buried in Albania. He then proceeded to fish slap The Prophet of Haters. Later life The Master Chief then had floated on a ship after the destruction of the Ark and the final hula hoop. he went into a crying-bed where he wept himself for being stuck with Cortan for four years. Cortana started to become red instead of blue, and she started annoying him in his sleep by recalling the beginning of AIDS. While floating inside the ship, Cortana was somehow able to rape his body inside his suit, and she gave birth to little green holograms. which then went Rampant (or crazy) and died because of Cortana's redness. They Didn't actually die, but they never made it through the fifth stage. Cortana continued to annoy/rape him as he sweated those long annoying decades through. Presumably Dead During a Hillside Memorial, The numbers 117 was scratched into a rock because a marine just got out of preschool. It is unknown if this Means that humanity thinks Liam Neeson is dead. However, In later times, there was an Ultimate Showdown in which he descended from the Heavens to Kill Batman. It is unknown what really happened to him. He is probably still strapped in a chair by Alma Cortana, who may be pregnant. Don't ask me how, it just happens. Armor The Master Chief wears a smelly armor that he bought at Wal-Mart (Yeah...he has worn it for centuries...) known as the Mark VI. The Mark VI is actually named after a lottery game in Hong Kong, the Mark Six, as the armor provides the function of buying Mark Six. But we all know that no one ever wins anything in Hong Kong, Master Chief loses swag every time he buys a Mark Six card. The armor also houses a virtual reality game called Marathon. He never actually played it, though, because is is always pwning über Noobs and charging his laser. The armor's bad ventilation system means that he must not eat high fibre food. His awesome looking helmet is actually sold seperately, and not at all needed, but he's so bad ass that he kills you with his mind. the helmet works as a shield to block his powers. This is because he finds it much much much more fun to assasinate you then get his bit teabaggage in there. Fun Master Chief Rarely had any fun, except for the time he played Halo 3 and watched Hot Fuzz. He has been known to of kissed over forty females, and had sex with over 20 million chicks Including Miranda Keyes, Cortana, Porntana, Mckay, Dr.Halsey, Kelly, and Nicole. He might enjoy eating Fresh Prepared Grunts, using their heads for Confetti, or listening to Metallica. The Way The World Ends At one point in time, Cortana was shouting "The world ends" she was shouting this around the Release date of 2012 The movie, which was and still is a load of Bullshit. with her screaming in the "Foward to the Swan" She drove Master Chief up the wall. Until he started Screaming a selection of three things. "Cortana Shut up", "I blame Harvey Stephens!" or "Damn it Harvey, don't twist your head like that and grin, HYE IM TALKING TO YOU!" Trivia * Master Chief isn't actually as big as the suit he wears. They had to make the suit bigger so that his balls could fit without being crushed. * There is a rumor that Master Chief's penis, fully erect, exceeds the length of the Washington Monument. * The second badass is the rookie. *Master Chief is considered the creator of the entire world's population due to his propensity to fuck bitches. That makes him your father. No, that doesn't make you badass. *MAster Chief has partied with Kika D'ass before he left. * Master Chief once starred in an unpopular sitcom known as Were it so Easy, where he shared an apartment with the Arbiter, a Hunter and a wisecracking Grunt called Des. It was canceled after the pilot episode because he killed Des and the hunter. * Master Chief's favorite web page is Gruntipedia. * Master Chief is the reason the word "badass" exists. *Master Chief's voice has the power to give women orgasms. The helmet he wears merely keeps that from happening. The voice you hear is actually through the helmets speakers. * Spartan armor is actually designed to protect the enemies of the UNSC from Master Chief. * It's been scientifically proven that hating Master Chief and the Halo series causes fatal 'accidents'. There has never been a survivor, and the killer has never been found. * Master Chief jacks off to the sound of action. Oddly enough, the sound of action is also created by Master Chief. * Master Chief got his name from his habits of cooking his alien enemies and with Dr. Halsey's poor spelling skills (Master Chef). * He made a movie called Halo on Ice and its sequel which was loved by both the public and pie for its realistic depiction of war. * Everytime when Master chief takes a piss, it sounds like he's shooting the assault rifle. * Albert Einstein found a way to determine the energy of a star by squaring MC's powerusing only energy and explained how with the E=mc2 formula. * If Master Chief kills you in XBOX Live and t-bags you, you are killed in real life, but immediately admitted into heaven. * Master Chief created Liam Neeson's 40 dead Albanian jokes. * His Gamertag is redacted. (Editor: Do NOT type his name out. Reading it is causing deaths worldwide because of it's level of awesome.) *He thinks that ''Guns n' Ammo ''is a porno mag. *He shaves his pubes every day in order to create the worlds supply of steel wool. *All the grunts call him bastard cheif *When he goes to the gym, he doesn't lift until he gets tired, he lifts until he gets bored. Category:Characters Category:Tall people Category:Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Category:Spartans Category:People who can Kill Master Chief Category:Your Mother Category:Things that kick ass Category:Mythical Beings Category:Articles that want to be featured Category:Things you should use for intercourse Category:Teabag Category:Saving the universe. Category:Shit that Call of Duty copied from Halo. Category:Shit people complain about Category:Halo 3 Legendary Ending Category:Halo 2 Category:Humans Category:Helping noobs understand stuff Category:People who smoke weed